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When parents ask about parenting help for ADHD Kids, I encounter so many people who have read a lot on the internet, have a lot of the symptoms and medical information about ADHD in their thoughts, and feel at a loss for finding the right help to get their child to listen, calm down and […]
When parents ask about parenting help for ADHD Kids, I encounter so many people who have read a lot on the internet, have a lot of the symptoms and medical information about ADHD in their thoughts, and feel at a loss for finding the right help to get their child to listen, calm down and focus. (Please note my use of the male pronoun in this article is simply for ease of writing and reading. I will switch from time to time in my articles).
There is so much help and tips for parenting ADHD kids, that parents seem overwhelmed with what they learn. Pinterest had scads of boards listing ADHD helps for parents, Tips for getting your child to . . . comply, behave, calm down, focus, increase self-esteem, be happy, find friends, and so on. Yet, the answer for your particular parenting issue may not be any of those ideas. What is missing is a place for parents to learn how their child feels. They need to learn how to tune in to a child’s hyperactivity, distress, unrest, maybe even sleep problems with ADHD.
So, where can a parent find the answer? Well, I believe that the answers are not found online, I believe they are not found in a medical journal or in proper parenting techniques or lists, charts and reward stickers. Parents can learn how to tune in to their own child, with their own parenting style and begin forming their own solution. You see, as long as we are focused on someone else’s ideas, tips or what worked for them, we are losing touch with ourselves and our child.
Our error often lands squarely into the realm of, “How do I get my ADHD child to . . .” and then we drift away from the right question. The correct question should be, how can I get to know my ADHD child better? How can I get to the place where he or she and I get along better? What can I learn from my ADHD child?
As a parent, have you asked your child how they see things? Have you asked them how do they think or feel a thing will turn out? We can also check how we intervene, react to their unusual behavior, how much we actually listen and what parameters we set. All of these are necessary tools for parenting any child well, and learning all the “things that are wrong with my ADHD child” tends to generate more distress. Increased distress is not your goal.
There are several factors that are out of the limelight in ADHD articles online. Maybe even in some of the books I have read. Have you thought of how calm or orderly your household is? Does it have distress unrelated to your ADHD child? How is your marriage? Are you separated or divorced and still battling? Are you a single parent winging things on your own and highly anxious about finances and relationships?
These types of issues in our own lives affect our child immensely. In fact, it can affect any child ADHD or not, and sometimes that “perfect” or compliant child ends up with their own issues later. Compliance is not the goal but when you are faced with a temper tantrum and a deadline for an appointment it can feel like compliance is your goal in parenting. It really isn’t. Peace is the main goal you have from the pieces you are faced with now.
Finding Peace with and for Your ADHD Child
Many parents look for ways to calm their ADHD child, and I think there are some helpful ways to address an immediate situation. One of my favorite statements for parents to contemplate is, “I have a guaranteed method for stopping a temper tantrum one step.” I laugh and say, “Give the child what he wants, immediately.” Now, you might want to move to a different website and find more sane parenting help. But in actuality it is the only way to deal with a temper tantrum immediately (within reason of course). And I think more parents should use it. A temper tantrum in a young child isn’t usually an act of the child’s will. Some may argue that point and take your money for lengthy psychological evaluations, assessments, appointments, and so on, but I won’t. If you need a way to stop a child age 6 in a grocery store with a temper tantrum, give him what he wants. You don’t need the added stress of embarrassment, upset other customers, an aggravated cashier and someone wanting to call child services. At home, you don’t want three hours of crying and screaming for what they want.
What is your goal? That is best question I can ask a parent who comes to me with parenting requests. That your first homework assignment. Once you have that answer, let me dig a little deeper. Then you can begin creating your best parenting style for you and your ADHD child. Since the beginning of this article, I have begun to shift your thinking about how you view your child, how you view your parenting style, and how you view ADHD and its symptoms.
Hopefully you can see that your parenting style matters. Hopefully you can see that knowing your child better and getting inside his tornado will give you more insights than a medical journal which most of us cannot understand anyway. Hopefully you will learn how to mange your child’s distress, become a peacemaking parent, and learn about your child’s fears.
Let’s begin with one major step you can take on this parenting transition: Look your child in the eyes. When you are saying a loving statement when you tell him yes, when he is highly distressed, or when you say goodnight. Eye contact is one of the best ways to re-start connecting with your child. And all of what I have said in this blog is part of a parenting method that works with ADHD children. So, for now, in this section, we will practice what it looks like to look your child in the eye.
With an ADHD child, parents get so emotionally fatigued and tired of the battle they often do two things that hinder our success: 1) we respond to our ADHD child while our eyes are on out task in hand or 2) we fail to look at our child by adjusting his clothing, or her shoelaces, or reaching for the door you are about to open to get to school or work. Looking at your child when they ask, tell or are fearful is a strong connecting activity. Re-establishing a child’s connection encourages strong attachment, and that can help ADHD children.[1] Do not mistake this for the demanded eye contact used in some methods for helping autistic children, we are looking at you, the parent, making eye contact a habit when you connect with your ADHD child. It helps.
Not only that, the level of their psychological distress is greater as adults if they have poor attachment, according to that same study.[2] Interestingly, giving your child the eye contact that is necessary is free, easy, can be done many times daily, and may begin to add to their sense of security and attachment. Coupled with the fact that, “children with ADHD are more likely to be insecurely attached,” can you transition your parenting style to include this beautiful approach? Let me know how this helped you. [3]
[1] “. . . secure attachment could serve as a “protective factor” against psychological distress among ADHD individuals.” (Hadil Kordahji, Shiri Ben-David, and Odelia Elkana. “Attachment Anxiety Moderates the Association Between ADHD and Psychological Distress.” The Psychiatric Quarterly, July 10, 2021. doi:10.1007/s11126-021-09919-6.
[2] Ibid.
[3] Rianne Hornstra, Guy Bosmans, Barbara J. van den Hoofdakker, Hasse De Meyer, and Saskia van der Oord. “Self-Reported Attachment Styles in Children with and without Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).” European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry 28, no. 9 (September 2019): 1277–80. doi:10.1007/s00787-019-01288-7.
Marriage is a beautiful thing and many couples ponder marriage eventually. Still, at first, all that is visible to each other are your good features and you are trying to show those features the most! Expecting that marriage has its ups and downs is a much more realistic way to view your partner, yourself, and […]
Children with ADHD (Please note: as an affiliate with Amazon I earn from qualifying purchases). ADHD is a chronic problem that causes millions of children and adolescents and often lasts into adulthood. As a result, various chronic difficulties, such as trouble sustaining focus, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior, are associated with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Furthermore, medicine […]
Children with ADHD
(Please note: as an affiliate with Amazon I earn from qualifying purchases). ADHD is a chronic problem that causes millions of children and adolescents and often lasts into adulthood. As a result, various chronic difficulties, such as trouble sustaining focus, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior, are associated with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
Furthermore, medicine wo; not actually complete the treatment or cure ADHD; it only but reduces the nature of the symptoms. In most cases, medication and behavioral approaches are both employed in treatment. Medical research tells us that early detection and treatment can make a significant difference in the outcome.
Low self-esteem, strained relationships, and even poor academic achievement are all symptoms of ADHD in children. As you become older, your symptoms may lessen. Many individuals, on the other hand, never fully recover from the symptoms of ADHD, but they may be able to devise effective strategies.
Let’s also look at the signs or symptoms of ADHD in children.
Symptoms of ADHD in Children
Two of the most prevalent symptoms of ADHD are inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity. As a result, symptoms usually occur before the age of twelve, and in some children as young as three. The effects can result from moderate to severe, and then they can linger well into adulthood in some situations.
ADHD is more common in boys than in girls, and boy and girl behaviors can differ. For instance, boys may be more energetic, whereas girls may be more inattentive.
The ADHD type is inattentive the most of the time. The majority of symptoms are caused by a loss of focus.
However, there are three distinct types of ADHD in youngsters.
Let’s look at them individually
Inattentiveness
Whenever a child has a habit of being distracted, he or she may:
Make careless errors in homework or neglect to pay attention to details.
Over Hyperactive/Impulsive
A child with a background of impulsive and hyperactive personality may:
Causes
Despite the uncertainty in which mechanism brings about ADHD, research efforts continue. The development of ADHD may be influenced by genetics, the surroundings, and anomalies in the central nervous system during important junctures in childhood.
3 Characteristics’ Parents needs to deal with when their child has ADHD
When a child has ADHD, there are various items and activities that parents must pay close attention to; we’ll go over a few of the most important ones for you to consider as a parent. Let us have a look at them.
When should you consult a Parenting Coach?
If you feel your parenting could be more effective for your ADHD child’s symptoms, you could work with a parenting coach for help in creating effective strategies. Helping your child increase a sense of control over their emotions. critical to undergo a psychiatric examination again to check out other contributing factors of your child’s issues.
5 Things that a Parenting Coach can Help with
Parenting coaches first 1) help you troubleshoot the areas most in need of assistance, while 2) defining the first few baby steps you can take to be most efficient in reducing your ADHD child’s symptoms.
A parenting coach can also help you 3) simplify the environment, 4) organize your child’s thinking patterns, and 5) help you think of ways to provide powerfully energetic activities to lower your child’s anxiety.
Conclusion
As a parent, it is your responsibility to guide and assist your child with ADHD. Keep in mind that you ought not to be ashamed of them even if they overreact in public.
[1] Meiqi Zhang, Zhan Liu, Hongtao Ma, and Daniel M. Smith. 2020. “Chronic Physical Activity for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and/or Autism Spectrum Disorder in Children: A Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials”. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience. 14.
This is something I learned from Don Aslett’s organization books years ago. What a brilliant organizer and cleaner he was! Two of the most helpful tips I remember from his books were first, using a textured wall to discourage teens from writing graffiti and second, using structural discipline to keep a place tidy. One example […]
This is something I learned from Don Aslett’s organization books years ago. What a brilliant organizer and cleaner he was! Two of the most helpful tips I remember from his books were first, using a textured wall to discourage teens from writing graffiti and second, using structural discipline to keep a place tidy. One example he gave of this was how the bank uses a simple bar with ropes to corral people into a tidy lineup at the bank tellers (Aslett, c. 1986). The most important thing to remember about Structured Discipline, is that it really is about providing. What is, we as parents or teachers need to provide many alternatives, opportunities, and tools that stimulate creativity. Keeping that in mind, we read on.
This concept can be used in classrooms or the home for parents and teachers to help ADHD kids stay more organized in learning, play and free activities reducing messes. One idea is to have all forms of activities stored in themed boxes which cannot be reached by the students or ADHD child so only one activity at a time can be used by asking the teacher or parent. When they are done they can pack up the box and ask for a different one. At times, let the children play with 2 or 3 such themed boxes in order to combine some creativity. For example, a box of cars can be used with some plastic road maps or a box of miscellaneous houses and trees to create a larger theme of a city.
Think about your teaching environment: Is it quiet or pleasant sounds? Does it have noise absorbers (cushions, carpet, soft toys)? Does it provide children with movement toys while listening (Swiss ball, rockers, malleable soft balls)? Do you have overhead music or sound frequencies that calm, to use when necessary? Do you have daytime or natural lighting?
Two thoughts from the study by Cloud (2009) will enhance your room designs for home and school, “Providing students with opportunities for unstructured movement has shown to be helpful in either decreasing ADHD-related behaviors or in channeling those behaviors into different forms of stimulation” and from Zentall, “hyperactive behaviors occur as a result of insufficient stimulation (Zentall as cited in Cloud, 2010). Suggestions for accommodating this movement are swiss balls to use while listening, hand movement toys such as stress balls, or padded gym mats ni a spacious area for larger movement without disturbing other kids.
References and Suggested Reading:
Aslett, Don. 1986. Clutter’s Last Stand: It’s time to De-Junk your life! Cincinnati, Ohio: Writer’s Digest Books.
Choi, Kyungah, and Hyeon-Jeong Suk. 2016. “Dynamic lighting system for the learning environment: performance of elementary students”. Optics Express. 24 (10): A907
Cloud J. 2009. “Better learning through fidgeting”. Time. 173 (14).
Grskovic, Janice A., and Sydney S. Zentall. 2010. “Understanding ADHD in Girls: Identification and Social Characteristics”. International Journal of Special Education. 25 (1): 171-184.
Vostal, Brooks R., David L. Lee, and Faith Miller. 2013. “Effects of Environmental Stimulation on Students Demonstrating Behaviors Related to Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: A Review of the Literature”. International Journal of Special Education. 28 (3): 32-43.
Many of us are not aware that our thinking can change our lives. How to repair this error? Find ways that you are thinking which are not true reality about the situation–then choose to change your thoughts!. 1. Mental Filter: When your focal point is on the most negative part of the situation. Instead, “Even […]
Many of us are not aware that our thinking can change our lives. How to repair this error? Find ways that you are thinking which are not true reality about the situation–then choose to change your thoughts!.
1. Mental Filter: When your focal point is on the most negative part of the situation. Instead, “Even though three of my colleagues didn’t pay attention to my presentation, five others made helpful and encouraging comments.”
2. Disqualifying the Positive: Your filter is set to screen out the positive! Here is a way you can change that: Someone says you look great today, but you respond with, “She doesn’t really mean that. She’s always looking for a way to make fun of me.” Instead, “Thank you! I was hoping this would outfit would turnout ok.”
3. ‘All or Nothing’ Thinking: You see everything as yes or no, black or white. Although it may be difficult, the objective is to start seeing some other colors, “I think that person meant to say . . .” “I didn’t succeed at this task, but I know with more practice I can move forward. I have already done that in ten areas of my work!”
4. Overgeneralisation: If one thing is bad, we think everything is bad. “Our trips always have something go wrong.” Instead, “That are breakdown on our trip was fully annoying. Good thing we were able to get it fixed and that our hotel was amazing!”
5. Jumping to Conclusions: Creating conclusions without evidence. Thinking you will fail a exam before you take it. Instead, “I need to study a few hours more and I know I can give it a great shot!”
6. Magnifying or Minimising (also referred to as “Catastrophisation”): Magnifying the Bad and Minimizing the Good. “Everything about my fitness is all wrong. I am not as muscular as my boss. My fitness efforts are useless.” Instead: “I haven’t yet increased my muscle mass with my routine, but I can look up ways to do that since I am so familiar with physiology.”
7. Personalisation: Thinking you are responsible for things when you are not. This ends in blaming yourself for the bad things that happen when you actually do not have any control over them. “It’s my fault the dog got sick. I forgot to keep his regular feed times and I missed 2 walks this week.” Instead: “My regular feeds and walks at least kept him well this long. This is the first time he got sick. I will have to find out from a vet how to help him.”
8. Shoulds and Oughts: These are thoughts about how others should be or act. Anger is the most generated feeling from this way of thinking:”I think doctors should know what they’re doing instead of treating people without knowing the outcomes.” Instead: “I’m grateful that doctors have so much training. I will have to explain what I mean when I see her again.”
9. Emotional Reasoning: When our feelings are facts to us. “I feel so depressed. My life is not good at all.” Instead: “I feel really sad right now. But my life has these many things about it that are so enjoyable. I need to change how I see my feelings because they do not represent all things in my life.”
10. Labelling: An extreme form of black and white thinking. You fail an exam. “I am so stupid why did I ever think I could do that?” Instead: “I only missed by a few marks. I can review the tough areas and do that exam again.”
This list of Cognitive Distortions is based on “Just Passing Time’s” video here:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaNqpui7BLkekbfyq53llSg/about
There are many causes of disorganized thought in children besides ADHD: emotional upsets, rejection, perceived issues and the like. None of us can understand children fully, but parents have a special insight into how their child ticks. If you don’t have this insight, check in with someone who can help you find ways to re-connect […]
There are many causes of disorganized thought in children besides ADHD: emotional upsets, rejection, perceived issues and the like. None of us can understand children fully, but parents have a special insight into how their child ticks. If you don’t have this insight, check in with someone who can help you find ways to re-connect with your child when the situation is difficult. Even after 40 years of working with children in many capacities, I learn more about ADHD and children every day!
Check out your levels of hostility, peace and order among chaos. Here are some tips and tricks for working out more peace and order in an ADHD family.
1. ORGANIZE YOUR SPACE with labels and coordinated colors as much as possible.
2. SET ADULT ROUTINES that YOU follow and the child can follow suit.
3. SIMPLIFY your entire lifestyle with the child (less activities but more time spent doing them).
4. CALM BUT ENJOYABLE ATMOSPHERES. Too much disconnected noise, colors, and movement can hinder order, but ADHD kids needs some movement and freedom administered with joy. Try MODIFIED WHITE NOISE to help with learning (Soderlund et al., 2007, 841).
5. INVITATION: Activities, spaces, conversation, and frequent time with friends lessen feelings of rejection.
6. PSYCHO-EDUCATION is well received by most ADHD kids. They like to think and learn at a higher level in general. Teach them about ADHD, how they think, how it can change for their desired outcomes (EF Training enhances behavior skills (Schoemaker, et al., 2013).
7. ASK. Asking invites conversation, connection, and thought processes. Training to think critically helps ADHD kids use working memory and encourages ordered thinking with executive function development (See Diamond, 2014).
Diamond, Adele. 2014. “Executive Functions: Insights into Ways to Help More Children Thrive.” ZERO TO THREE 35 (2): 9–17. http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=eric&AN=EJ1125265&site=ehost-live.
Schoemaker, Kim, k.schoemaker@umcutrecht.nl, Hanna1 Mulder, Maja2 Deković, and Walter Matthys. 2013. “Executive Functions in Preschool Children with Externalizing Behavior Problems: A Meta-Analysis.” Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 41 (3): 457–71. doi:10.1007/s10802-012-9684-x.
Söderlund, Göran, Sverker Sikström, and Andrew Smart. 2007. “Listen to the Noise: Noise Is Beneficial for Cognitive Performance in ADHD.” Journal of Child Psychology & Psychiatry 48 (8): 840–47. doi:10.1111/j.1469-7610.2007.01749.x.
In private practice, integrity to one’s personal belief system is necessary for fully engaging the framework it provides for worldview, stability, and progress in healing. How does a Christian counsellor address denomination-specific issues within the context of her helping profession without adulterating her own stance both professionally and religiously? How can one counsel others and […]
In private practice, integrity to one’s personal belief system is necessary for fully engaging the framework it provides for worldview, stability, and progress in healing. How does a Christian counsellor address denomination-specific issues within the context of her helping profession without adulterating her own stance both professionally and religiously? How can one counsel others and maintain the valued parameters of psychology and faith for both client and professional?
In this article, I help the professional believer to understand three things regarding the consideration of faith and mental health within a denominational context. I will discuss the need to differentiate between the varieties of religious expression and psychological symptoms, the more looming aspect religion should take in healing scenarios, and the way to help a client in light of their own denominational strengths.
William James addresses the “mental health . . . or . . . religious fantasy?” question in 1902, giving voice to the dilemma of deciphering questionable claims, symptoms, and apparently abnormal behaviour from those which were perceived as mental illness symptoms at that time and throughout religious history, in a series of lectures on natural religion (James, 2002). Some denominations might view certain rituals in other denominations as mental health issues if the group does not practice those same customs. In counselling, it therefore becomes necessary to understand the elements of the client’s belief system that may overlap with or mimic what the counsellor may deem as mental illness symptoms.
Faith issues—religion, belief system, religious practices and dependence on prayer with mutual emotional support from fellow believers—often receive a secondary position in professional practices due to the perception of religion as non-scientific and because it is set against the more prominent back-drop of psychology, science, and mental health. However, in a powerful paragraph in The Psychology of Religion and Coping, author and Professor of Psychology at Bowling Green state University Kenneth I. Pargament cautions against casting religion aside, or minimizing it into a small part of the counsellor’s arsenal for treating mental health issues. He renounces the concept that holds religion captive in a minimalist view: “It must be emphasized that religion is not simply a way of coping.” Rather than being “fully involved in coping,” he says, “. . . it can provide an overarching framework for living, applicable to the widest range of human experience” (Pargament, 1997).
What can you do if you are not a religious professional or your client’s denomination or religion is different from yours? Help your client move toward the helpful aspects of their own belief system. We cannot know and fully understand each client’s faith system, but we can identify the helpful features within religious belief in general and help our client navigate toward those features. Pargament identifies the proven features of religion that are helpful in healing and coping. At the time of his writing, he found that spiritual support, collaborative religious coping, congregational support and benevolent religious reframing were effective in helping clients to heal. For patients with cancer, Jenkins and Pargament (1995) found that keeping God in the equation resulted in “. . . higher self-esteem and better adjustment according to the ratings of their nurses.”
It is clearly more human and caring, more professional and effective to challenge erroneous or harmful beliefs gently by way of entering the client’s theological dialogue if you are well versed in it or referring the client to the positive attributes of their denomination as Pargament identified above.
James, W. (2002). The varieties of religious experience: A study in human nature : being the Gifford lectures on natural religion delivered at Edinburgh in 1901-1902. New York: Modern Library.
Jenkins, R. A., & Pargament, K. I. (January 01, 1995). Religion and Spirituality as Resources for Coping with Cancer. Journal of Psychosocial Oncology, 13, 51.
Pargament, K. I. (1997). The psychology of religion and coping: Theory, research, practice. New York: Guilford Press.